That's intense
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
