No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
