There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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