I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize