I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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