but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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