fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
