From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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