I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize