The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can I color on your dick again?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
