I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
