I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
