These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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