Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
