you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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