I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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