I will die if light touches me.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The best revenge is premature balding
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
