I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
