I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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