John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
