I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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