I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize