its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
