I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
