Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
