I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't put those talents on a resume
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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