the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
