Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
