It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
