What a fucking waste of an outfit
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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