i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
