why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
