the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
