i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
