waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
