have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
