I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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