My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
