matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
