Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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