what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he was CRYING into my vagina
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
