Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
