I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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