I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
