Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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