You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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