it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize