my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
