peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
