At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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