in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
