I'm gonna have a badass scar
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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