Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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