I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
