Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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